Thanks, but I’m with the DJ

Yes, it’s official, DJ/Promoter/Producer/Porn Star/Goofball/Sexy Stud Tristan Jaxx and I are dating!  We have known each other since meeting on the set of the first film I ever shot, Mustang’s Fit For Service, in September 2010.  Tristan was there to film his first scene as a bottom with Tom Wolfe and he was quite nervous.  I remember trying to comfort him, give him tips and tell him he’d be fine.  They shot their scene directly after mine and I sat with Erik Rhodes as he directed their scene.  The following weekend was the GayVN awards and Folsom Street Fair and I was back up in San Francisco for them.  It was at the GayVN after party that he finally made his move on me.  I don’t recall all the details of what we talked about (it was an open bar, after all), but I remember being unable to take my eyes off his lips and loving how “real” he was and how often he smiled and laughed.  It was enough to get me to ask him to come back to my hotel with me.  After a long, flirtatious walk (where he told me about his true passion: music), we spent the better part of that night/morning having sex on the bathroom floor (how porn star of us).  His lips (and everything else) felt as good as I had hoped they would.

In January 2011, I was asked to shoot my second scene for Lucas Entertainment and they offered Tristan as my scene partner.  I didn’t hesitate to accept.  I flew to New York City for the scene and it was on that set that I really started to gain an interest in him as a person.  I was keenly aware of how he never spoke unless he had something genuine to say, he didn’t criticize or gossip, he listened and observed people very acutely and his passion for music became even more apparent to me.  I had already begun listening to his podcasts at that point and knew he had potential, but it was on this trip that I realized that he had what it takes to become a significant force in the dance music scene.  After our scene, we spent some of our free time together in the city and exchanged phone numbers because by then, I knew he was someone I wanted to get close to and know better.

From then on, we began texting each other infrequently, often about his music.  I took a strong interest in his progression and growth as a DJ because I was impressed with how quickly he was honing his skills and how much his podcasts improved with each new release (I subscribed and listened to them almost exclusively at the gym while I worked out and have been known to dance naked to them in my living room as well ).  Music has always been something I’m passionate about as well and it’s sort of the thread that weaves through my life and tells my story so we shared this common interest.  The more we shared with each other, the more I became fond of him and the more I believed in him.  I started trying to increase his exposure by tweeting about his mixes, sharing his podcasts, etc. because I genuinely love his music and felt he deserved to succeed and I know what it’s like to be the underdog.  He hasn’t always had the greatest support from the porn community and I knew that, unfortunately, there would be a bias about his talents because he did porn for many years before he began pursuing a career as a DJ and many would assume his pursuits were out of necessity instead of passion.  I wanted to help expose him to the world not only because he’s a brilliant artist with a really good ear for well-produced music and the rather unusual ability to find and/or produce songs that have a signature sound that is entirely his, but also because I felt he was one of the most sincere, genuine, honest, kind people I had met in the circuit scene or in the porn scene.  As I’ve often said, I was a Tristan Jaxx groupie before I fell in love with him and I’d have helped him in any way I could even if we had never ended up dating.

After spending some more time with him at Folsom, I was booked to shoot a scene with Dario Beck for Titan in San Francisco in October 2011.  Rather than stay in a hotel, I asked Tristan if it would be okay if I stayed with him as he had asked me to dance at the event he had just created the month before, Chaos, during that same trip.  I hadn’t exactly started to think of him romantically yet but I knew there was something about him that had me completely intrigued and I wanted to get to know him better, in whatever capacity.  I stayed with him for four nights while dancing and shooting and it was on this trip that I started to notice that I had feelings for him that were much deeper than I had acknowledged before.  When I left at the end of the trip, I felt strangely sad and a little awkward.  Suddenly, this guy I had become very fond of and had spent so much time with was on my mind a lot.  I started to think about how much fun we always had together and how there was never any drama, no awkwardness or uncomfortable feelings, just lots of laughs, good times, amazing sex, good energy and contentment.  I wasn’t quite sure how to act or speak with him afterward.  I didn’t want to change how great everything was but I couldn’t deny that I was feeling something more for him.  Finally, I revealed my feelings.  After talking about it a bit, we agreed that we weren’t going to ruin it with any titles or expectations and that we would just carry on as we had been.  “So far, so good,” is what Tristan kept saying.

A few weeks later, I flew back up to San Francisco to attend the next month’s Chaos because I enjoyed the previous one so much.  Two weeks after that, I was back again.  I just couldn’t stay away, regardless of what we were or were not calling ourselves.  Two more weeks after that, I was booked to shoot with Jesse Santana for Raging Stallion in San Francisco.  I arrived in the evening on November 30th and after another fun night full of a thoughtful meal, laughs, and mind-blowing sex, Tristan and I lay giggling and smiling, his arm stretched around my shoulders.  Suddenly, he turned and looked at me, stretched out his hand and said, “who are we kidding?  This is awesome.  Wanna be my man?”  Without hesitation, I grabbed his hand, shook it, then pulled him in close for our first kiss as partners.  Only those who know what a rational, yet completely adorable and sweet, goofball he is will understand how appropriate and funny this exchange was.

We discussed how to tell all of you about our relationship but hadn’t decided on how to do so yet.  To be honest, I really wanted him to announce it because I had kinda been pursuing him for awhile at that point and he sort of made me chase him, something I have never done before as I tend to prefer to be the one being pursued.  Looking back, I realize my obsession with him was probably painfully obvious to everyone (including my Twitter followers) but him.   In the early evening on the day I returned to San Diego from that trip, Tristan posted this tweet and literally took my breath away by creating and sharing this mashup of one of my favorite Mariah Carey songs, Emotions.  I cannot think of a better way to have been announced to be his than by having a track by my hero and favorite artist mixed into a high energy dance track by my favorite DJ and boyfriend.  Tristan communicates better with music than just about anything but sex (there is no comparison to the matched passion and rhythms we share in bed) and I received his message loud and clear.  “You’ve got me feeling emotions.  Deeper than I’ve ever dreamed of.  You’ve got me feeling emotions.  Higher than the heavens above.”  The feeling is entirely mutual and I can’t think of a better day for me to tell the world than today.  “You know the way to make me lose control.  When you’re looking into my eyes, you make me feel so high.”

Thank you all for your enthusiastic and supportive response to our relationship.  From Gay Porn Blog’s excited post about it, the Facebook messages, the emails and the Twitter replies, we’ve had nothing but support sent our way.  I must admit that it’s a bit strange starting a relationship in the public eye (a first for me) but it’s also exciting and even comforting, in a way, knowing that our fans are happy for us and enjoy following our journey.

I’ll leave you with some pictures we had taken together by the incomparable Ninon Nguyen at my condo here in San Diego when Tristan came to spend the holidays with me.  Hope you enjoy them as much as we have.  They contain a lot of genuine, candid depictions (Tristan playfully pushing me away because I was being too “sappy,” me smelling his armpit [it's an intoxicating aroma], etc.) of how we are as a couple and I couldn’t be happier to share them with all of you.  Today and always, cherish those who make you feel emotions that keep you “flyin’ high!”